Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Maybe I Just Don't Understand This "Blogosphere."

CURSES! It has been 84 Corellian orbit-cycles since I started this blog, and as far as I can tell, NOT A SINGLE OF MY SUPPOSEDLY LOYAL SUBJECTS HAS EVEN READ IT ONCE. Look at this, and be ashamed and afraid! "0 Comments." "0 Comments." "0 Comments." "0 Comments." "1 Comment." And your Mighty Emperor suspects that comment was not even from a regular reader! And it sounds as if this pathetic commenter actually likes Riker! (RIKER WILL BURN ALIVE IN THE PLASMA FACTORIES OF HEXATOR 4 SHOULD IT BE THE LAST THING I DO!)

Sigh. Your Virile and Fearsome Emperor is not--as you might think--flawless, impenetrable, or without feeling. I mean, nobody's reading this thing, right? I might as well admit it here. IT'S LIKE I'M TALKING TO A TRANSPARISTEEL WALL OVER HERE!

This is what you have for "technology," you pathetic Earthlings? An internet which does not even point your hilariously weak binocular eyes and ludicrously feeble brains towards a blog CREATED AND WRITTEN by your Terrrifying Leader? A Terrifying Leader who could VAPORIZE YOU WITH QUAD-LASERS FROM MY DEATH-FORTRESS HOVERING ABOVE YOUR HEAD AT THIS VERY MOMENT, it might be worth noting?

What is it that you want? What is it that you use the internet for? News about your petty entertainments? (MOTION PICTURES DO NOT CONCERN ME! Especially when they are not even in six dimensions! And besides, I POSTED THAT VIDEO OF TOM CRUISE! Blessed be his name.) Lurid gossip about your tiny little celebrities? (WHAT GREATER CELEBRITY COULD YOU ASK FOR THAN ME?) YouTubes of adorable animals? (I DID THAT ALREADY!) Weather updates? (NEWS FLASH! I AM GOING TO COVER EARTH IN WHITE-HOT MAGMA!)

Seriously. I will do it.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

I'll Admit It--I Like The Rock!

There are certain humans that I hate more than others, but there are also certain humans that I like--even love--more than others. (YES! Even your Fearsome Lord Klaktu is, at times, but a servant to the demands of his mighty quadruple hearts!) Now, I've been as shy as a Tigerthian shade-lily about this before, but the time has come to stop being ashamed and just admit it: I like The Rock!
Your Earth publication Entertainment Weekly has a really great story in their June 13 issue about him!
"He's one of the hardest-working people on behalf of a movie I've worked with," says Oren Aviv, president of production for Walt Disney Studios. "He's the guy who's constantly saying, 'What else can I do?' That puts him in a unique category of less than a handful of actors working today."
In this Vicious Ruler's august judgment (the very same judgment that shall soon rain thousands of thousands of molten asteroids upon your pathetic planet, scrubbing it clean of damnable thetans! MARK KLAKTU'S WORDS!), The Rock's charm and comedic instincts contrast excellently with his ability to keep subservient and pathetic individuals in line with "The People's Elbow."

Forsooth, indeed Earth is marked for destruction by L. Ron (REJOICE AT HIS NAME!), and only a marked few shall escape its decimation! The Rock, you are formally invited to join us. I believe I could make good use of your talents, be it in the brutal spice mines of Tecton or in the PR department of Estrox Prime. If you are interested, The Rock, please holo-vox me at sigma code 45XttR-KLAKTU, or, if Earth's laughably primitive technology stands in the way, send me one of your quaint "electronic mails" to emperor.klaktu@gmail.com. Your Terrible Emperor looks forward to hearing from you soon, The Rock!

Friday, June 6, 2008

I Shall Devour You, Kanye West!

I teleported down to your pathetic planet earlier this week to experience one of your "musical concerts" by an Earthling named "Kanye West," and let me tell you this: IT WAS AMAZING! What was amazing about it, you ask? Was it the manible-clenchingly execrable "Earth music"? No! That was TERRIBLE. Was it the set design, which featured the epic and cruel vistas of planets I know to be Exceleton Sigma and TRH-4722? No! I HAVE SEEN THOSE ALL BEFORE. Was it Kanye West himself, your apparent demigod and ruler? No! HE WAS ENTIRELY TOO HUMBLE FOR MY LIKING!

"So what was so amazing about it, High and Exalted Emperor Klaktu?" you ask? Well, I will tell you: HE TOTALLY RIPPED ME OFF.

I am sorry for the caps lock. I get carried away with it when I'm angry. WHICH I AM RIGHT NOW. But still, yes, sorry. EMPEROR KLAKTU RARELY APOLOGIZES!

The "story" of this "concert": This "Kanye West" is a great space explorer who is famed throughout the galaxy. (ODD, THEN, THAT THE MIGHTY EMPEROR KLAKTU HATH NOT HEARD OF HIM!) When Kanye West and his spaceship (which he has ridiculously named "Jane"--but I will admit that this cybernetic transportation entity was not without her charms, especially when one considered it within the reproductive paradigms of the scrumptiously novel realm of bi-gendered humanoid sexuality!) crash on a planet, Jane alluringly informs Kanye West that, while she is rather attractive, does not have enough power to get them offworld. For some reason or other, this leads to Kanye West "rapping" about "mamas" and "drunk and hot girls," which leads to him flying though space due to sheer willpower and talent, and being greeted by a friendly family of bynars, who inform him that he is "the biggest star in the universe." Then he performs coitus with a hologram made of gold and dressed in a bikini.



Kanye West, I will devour you. I will feast on your succulent flesh and your steaming blood shall drip from my fangs like the sweetest of syrups harvested from the fields of Dantooine. I shall laugh, and laugh, and laugh, and I will pound my holo-matrix table with your femurs, possibly to the admittedly catchy beat of "Diamonds from Sierra Leone."

You will pay, Kanye West! Whether shall choose to pay with your life or with a 20 percent kickback from your merch table, YOU WILL PAY.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

The Craziest Thing Happened to Me During Rigel VII's Previous Light-Cycle!

So there I was during Rigel VII's previous light-cycle, just minding my own business, when you WILL NOT BELIEVE what happened to me! It was crazy!

Well, it had been a weird light-cycle to begin with! First, my holo-keys were totally missing. I make a HUGE deal of putting them into this really cool hollowed-out Xenomorph skull that I keep right by my teleport pad, because then I can drop them off as soon as I get home, and then pick them up super easily on my way to get demolecularized to work! So I got up, took my slime bath underneath the UV lamp, and then went to go to work--but my holo-keys? TOTALLY MISSING. That never happens! So I knew something was up right then, and I knew that William Thomas Riker was probably behind whatever it was. That guy's such a jerk.

I found my holo-keys a few minutes later, though, so that wasn't a huge deal, and maybe William Thomas Riker (CURSED BE HIS NAME!) wasn't behind it... this time. (CURSED BE HIS NAME!)

But THEN the teleport pad was malfunctioning! Sometimes it does that and you have to jiggle the plasma-lever. The Mighty Emperor Klaktu lowered himself to attempting this course of action, but, as you humans say, "no dice." (I said that correctly, yes? Or is it "No die"? Your crude Earthling languages are maddening! DICE? DIE!) So I decided to give it a few minutes--maybe it just needed to warm up?--and instead, spend some time relaxing before work in my elaborate torture dungeon, which is takes up the entirety of Sub-Level X475 of my famed and feared doom-castle.

On the way there, I walked through the kitchen--only to see Crantos, my latest juvenile hatehound from Vespilon Prime, doing his best to dig into the bowl of Hantarian rat-shark eggs I'd left on the counter! I did not capture the moment on 4D-vid (ALAS!), but this human video, provided your pathetically primitive mind can make sense of it, should give you some hint of what it looked like. Just imagine this creature with crystalline venom-talons and spine spikes.

Oh, how I laughed! Then I ate Crantos and decided to take a sick day.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Ooooh, I Hate Your William T. Riker SO MUCH!

The mighty Emperor Klaktu does not fear mere humans! GRANTED, your fantastically puny and retarded species hath given us two of the grandest individuals to grace the Andromeda, Triangulum, Aquarius Dwarf, and HVC 127-41-330 galaxies (NEED YOU ASK? OUR LORDS HUBBARD AND CRUISE, HONORED ARE THEIR NAMES!)--but by and large, I find you humans to be laughably inept and gullible, not to mention hideous to rest my gaze upon!

But one of your humans has aroused a particular wrath--an ire most furious!--within my nine-chambered heart, infusing purple blood with a venom stronger than the bile of a Falaxian trans-beetle! He who offends me thus is none other than your WILLIAM THOMAS RIKER, desecrater of all that is grand in my galaxies!

Here is a severely abridged list of reasons why I so loathe your William Thomas Riker:
  1. His beard
  2. His smug smile
  3. His too-tight uniform
  4. That devilish glint of boyish charm in his eyes
  5. His trombone
  6. His possession of the love of Councilor Deanna Troi
Thus far, I have not personally encountered your William Thomas Riker--nay, I have only learned of his deeds via your crude "television" signals, which sing his praises to the cosmos! But it is only a matter of time until I meet this William Thomas Riker in the flesh. It is only a matter of time.

I will destroy him.

Monday, May 12, 2008

Welcome to My Blog!

It is almost impossible for me to believe that I am celebrating the 547th anniversary of my conquering of the Perseus Alagnon System--a cowardly system where the females looked like males, and the males screamed like females! In celebration of this occasion, and my 759 standard year-cycles of ruling the Andromeda, Triangulum, Aquarius Dwarf, and HVC 127-41-330 galaxies, I created this site as a thank you, to you, for sharing the journey with me, and to invite you to continue to explore what my iron-fisted rule shall bring to your petty, insignificant lives.

I love being a feared system lord. I love conquering your pathetic worlds. I love killing your children with my armies of ruthless snare-beasts. (I also enjoy settling down in my seat in what you Earthlings call a “movie theater,” my “popcorn” and “soda” in hand, and escaping into the magical worlds that my good friend, Tom Cruise, creates before me on that big screen.)

I have had the privilege of living my dream from the time I was a squirming young larval form on the glorious, fetid planet of Rigel VII: To conquer and decimate, to rule and abuse, to entertain, enlighten, scare, make you laugh or cry or having you sitting on the edge of your seat and screaming for mercy.

I have had the great pleasure of working with (and then killing) many of the greatest intergalactic warlords of all time. And there are so many more systems to conquer, so many fellow intergalactic warlords I look forward to working with (and killing)!

My hope with this humble little blog is to bring you in and share with you the laughs and the fun I experience every standard orbit-cycle during the intergalactic warmongering process--from finding a backwards planet with a hilariously unwitting and rudimentary civilization, to bombarding said planet with laser beams and death fungi, to what I finally see when I settle back onto my throne of alien skulls, watching twin blood-red suns rise on my victory.

This is for you. Enjoy!
With love and appreciation,