Wednesday, May 28, 2008

The Craziest Thing Happened to Me During Rigel VII's Previous Light-Cycle!

So there I was during Rigel VII's previous light-cycle, just minding my own business, when you WILL NOT BELIEVE what happened to me! It was crazy!

Well, it had been a weird light-cycle to begin with! First, my holo-keys were totally missing. I make a HUGE deal of putting them into this really cool hollowed-out Xenomorph skull that I keep right by my teleport pad, because then I can drop them off as soon as I get home, and then pick them up super easily on my way to get demolecularized to work! So I got up, took my slime bath underneath the UV lamp, and then went to go to work--but my holo-keys? TOTALLY MISSING. That never happens! So I knew something was up right then, and I knew that William Thomas Riker was probably behind whatever it was. That guy's such a jerk.

I found my holo-keys a few minutes later, though, so that wasn't a huge deal, and maybe William Thomas Riker (CURSED BE HIS NAME!) wasn't behind it... this time. (CURSED BE HIS NAME!)

But THEN the teleport pad was malfunctioning! Sometimes it does that and you have to jiggle the plasma-lever. The Mighty Emperor Klaktu lowered himself to attempting this course of action, but, as you humans say, "no dice." (I said that correctly, yes? Or is it "No die"? Your crude Earthling languages are maddening! DICE? DIE!) So I decided to give it a few minutes--maybe it just needed to warm up?--and instead, spend some time relaxing before work in my elaborate torture dungeon, which is takes up the entirety of Sub-Level X475 of my famed and feared doom-castle.

On the way there, I walked through the kitchen--only to see Crantos, my latest juvenile hatehound from Vespilon Prime, doing his best to dig into the bowl of Hantarian rat-shark eggs I'd left on the counter! I did not capture the moment on 4D-vid (ALAS!), but this human video, provided your pathetically primitive mind can make sense of it, should give you some hint of what it looked like. Just imagine this creature with crystalline venom-talons and spine spikes.

Oh, how I laughed! Then I ate Crantos and decided to take a sick day.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Ooooh, I Hate Your William T. Riker SO MUCH!

The mighty Emperor Klaktu does not fear mere humans! GRANTED, your fantastically puny and retarded species hath given us two of the grandest individuals to grace the Andromeda, Triangulum, Aquarius Dwarf, and HVC 127-41-330 galaxies (NEED YOU ASK? OUR LORDS HUBBARD AND CRUISE, HONORED ARE THEIR NAMES!)--but by and large, I find you humans to be laughably inept and gullible, not to mention hideous to rest my gaze upon!

But one of your humans has aroused a particular wrath--an ire most furious!--within my nine-chambered heart, infusing purple blood with a venom stronger than the bile of a Falaxian trans-beetle! He who offends me thus is none other than your WILLIAM THOMAS RIKER, desecrater of all that is grand in my galaxies!

Here is a severely abridged list of reasons why I so loathe your William Thomas Riker:
  1. His beard
  2. His smug smile
  3. His too-tight uniform
  4. That devilish glint of boyish charm in his eyes
  5. His trombone
  6. His possession of the love of Councilor Deanna Troi
Thus far, I have not personally encountered your William Thomas Riker--nay, I have only learned of his deeds via your crude "television" signals, which sing his praises to the cosmos! But it is only a matter of time until I meet this William Thomas Riker in the flesh. It is only a matter of time.

I will destroy him.

Monday, May 12, 2008

Welcome to My Blog!

It is almost impossible for me to believe that I am celebrating the 547th anniversary of my conquering of the Perseus Alagnon System--a cowardly system where the females looked like males, and the males screamed like females! In celebration of this occasion, and my 759 standard year-cycles of ruling the Andromeda, Triangulum, Aquarius Dwarf, and HVC 127-41-330 galaxies, I created this site as a thank you, to you, for sharing the journey with me, and to invite you to continue to explore what my iron-fisted rule shall bring to your petty, insignificant lives.

I love being a feared system lord. I love conquering your pathetic worlds. I love killing your children with my armies of ruthless snare-beasts. (I also enjoy settling down in my seat in what you Earthlings call a “movie theater,” my “popcorn” and “soda” in hand, and escaping into the magical worlds that my good friend, Tom Cruise, creates before me on that big screen.)

I have had the privilege of living my dream from the time I was a squirming young larval form on the glorious, fetid planet of Rigel VII: To conquer and decimate, to rule and abuse, to entertain, enlighten, scare, make you laugh or cry or having you sitting on the edge of your seat and screaming for mercy.

I have had the great pleasure of working with (and then killing) many of the greatest intergalactic warlords of all time. And there are so many more systems to conquer, so many fellow intergalactic warlords I look forward to working with (and killing)!

My hope with this humble little blog is to bring you in and share with you the laughs and the fun I experience every standard orbit-cycle during the intergalactic warmongering process--from finding a backwards planet with a hilariously unwitting and rudimentary civilization, to bombarding said planet with laser beams and death fungi, to what I finally see when I settle back onto my throne of alien skulls, watching twin blood-red suns rise on my victory.

This is for you. Enjoy!
With love and appreciation,