Maybe I Just Don't Understand This "Blogosphere."

CURSES! It has been 84 Corellian orbit-cycles since I started this blog, and as far as I can tell, NOT A SINGLE OF MY SUPPOSEDLY LOYAL SUBJECTS HAS EVEN READ IT ONCE. Look at this, and be ashamed and afraid! "0 Comments." "0 Comments." "0 Comments." "0 Comments." "1 Comment." And your Mighty Emperor suspects that comment was not even from a regular reader! And it sounds as if this pathetic commenter actually likes Riker! (RIKER WILL BURN ALIVE IN THE PLASMA FACTORIES OF HEXATOR 4 SHOULD IT BE THE LAST THING I DO!)

Sigh. Your Virile and Fearsome Emperor is not--as you might think--flawless, impenetrable, or without feeling. I mean, nobody's reading this thing, right? I might as well admit it here. IT'S LIKE I'M TALKING TO A TRANSPARISTEEL WALL OVER HERE!

This is what you have for "technology," you pathetic Earthlings? An internet which does not even point your hilariously weak binocular eyes and ludicrously feeble brains towards a blog CREATED AND WRITTEN by your Terrrifying Leader? A Terrifying Leader who could VAPORIZE YOU WITH QUAD-LASERS FROM MY DEATH-FORTRESS HOVERING ABOVE YOUR HEAD AT THIS VERY MOMENT, it might be worth noting?

What is it that you want? What is it that you use the internet for? News about your petty entertainments? (MOTION PICTURES DO NOT CONCERN ME! Especially when they are not even in six dimensions! And besides, I POSTED THAT VIDEO OF TOM CRUISE! Blessed be his name.) Lurid gossip about your tiny little celebrities? (WHAT GREATER CELEBRITY COULD YOU ASK FOR THAN ME?) YouTubes of adorable animals? (I DID THAT ALREADY!) Weather updates? (NEWS FLASH! I AM GOING TO COVER EARTH IN WHITE-HOT MAGMA!)

Seriously. I will do it.

I'll Admit It--I Like The Rock!

There are certain humans that I hate more than others, but there are also certain humans that I like--even love--more than others. (YES! Even your Fearsome Lord Klaktu is, at times, but a servant to the demands of his mighty quadruple hearts!) Now, I've been as shy as a Tigerthian shade-lily about this before, but the time has come to stop being ashamed and just admit it: I like The Rock!
Your Earth publication Entertainment Weekly has a really great story in their June 13 issue about him!

"He's one of the hardest-working people on behalf of a movie I've worked with," says Oren Aviv, president of production for Walt Disney Studios. "He's the guy who's constantly saying, 'What else can I do?' That puts him in a unique category of less than a handful of actors working today."

In this Vicious Ruler's august judgment (the very same judgment that shall soon rain thousands of thousands of molten asteroids upon your pathetic planet, scrubbing it clean of damnable thetans! MARK KLAKTU'S WORDS!), The Rock's charm and comedic instincts contrast excellently with his ability to keep subservient and pathetic individuals in line with "The People's Elbow."

Forsooth, indeed Earth is marked for destruction by L. Ron (REJOICE AT HIS NAME!), and only a marked few shall escape its decimation! The Rock, you are formally invited to join us. I believe I could make good use of your talents, be it in the brutal spice mines of Tecton or in the PR department of Estrox Prime. If you are interested, The Rock, please holo-vox me at sigma code 45XttR-KLAKTU, or, if Earth's laughably primitive technology stands in the way, send me one of your quaint "electronic mails" to emperor.klaktu@gmail.com. Your Terrible Emperor looks forward to hearing from you soon, The Rock!

I Shall Devour You, Kanye West!

I teleported down to your pathetic planet earlier this week to experience one of your "musical concerts" by an Earthling named "Kanye West," and let me tell you this: IT WAS AMAZING! What was amazing about it, you ask? Was it the manible-clenchingly execrable "Earth music"? No! That was TERRIBLE. Was it the set design, which featured the epic and cruel vistas of planets I know to be Exceleton Sigma and TRH-4722? No! I HAVE SEEN THOSE ALL BEFORE. Was it Kanye West himself, your apparent demigod and ruler? No! HE WAS ENTIRELY TOO HUMBLE FOR MY LIKING!

"So what was so amazing about it, High and Exalted Emperor Klaktu?" you ask? Well, I will tell you: HE TOTALLY RIPPED ME OFF.

I am sorry for the caps lock. I get carried away with it when I'm angry. WHICH I AM RIGHT NOW. But still, yes, sorry. EMPEROR KLAKTU RARELY APOLOGIZES!

The "story" of this "concert": This "Kanye West" is a great space explorer who is famed throughout the galaxy. (ODD, THEN, THAT THE MIGHTY EMPEROR KLAKTU HATH NOT HEARD OF HIM!) When Kanye West and his spaceship (which he has ridiculously named "Jane"--but I will admit that this cybernetic transportation entity was not without her charms, especially when one considered it within the reproductive paradigms of the scrumptiously novel realm of bi-gendered humanoid sexuality!) crash on a planet, Jane alluringly informs Kanye West that, while she is rather attractive, does not have enough power to get them offworld. For some reason or other, this leads to Kanye West "rapping" about "mamas" and "drunk and hot girls," which leads to him flying though space due to sheer willpower and talent, and being greeted by a friendly family of bynars, who inform him that he is "the biggest star in the universe." Then he performs coitus with a hologram made of gold and dressed in a bikini.

SOUND FAMILIAR?

Well, it should. When I said that the show was amazing, that is indeed what I meant--AMAZINGLY LIKE MY OWN EXPERIENCES, THAT IS, AND CERTAINLY CLOSE ENOUGH TO THEM TO WARRANT SOME SORT OF COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT-TYPE CASE, OR AT THE VERY LEAST A THOROUGH LASER-SCOURING OF KANYE WEST'S CURRENT PLACE OF EARTHBOUND RESIDENCE! All of this has happened to me! TWICE! Except without the rapping. And I ate the bynars.

Kanye West, I will devour you. I will feast on your succulent flesh and your steaming blood shall drip from my fangs like the sweetest of syrups harvested from the fields of Dantooine. I shall laugh, and laugh, and laugh, and I will pound my holo-matrix table with your femurs, possibly to the admittedly catchy beat of "Diamonds from Sierra Leone."

You will pay, Kanye West! Whether shall choose to pay with your life or with a 20 percent kickback from your merch table, YOU WILL PAY.