Thursday, May 15, 2008

Ooooh, I Hate Your William T. Riker SO MUCH!

The mighty Emperor Klaktu does not fear mere humans! GRANTED, your fantastically puny and retarded species hath given us two of the grandest individuals to grace the Andromeda, Triangulum, Aquarius Dwarf, and HVC 127-41-330 galaxies (NEED YOU ASK? OUR LORDS HUBBARD AND CRUISE, HONORED ARE THEIR NAMES!)--but by and large, I find you humans to be laughably inept and gullible, not to mention hideous to rest my gaze upon!

But one of your humans has aroused a particular wrath--an ire most furious!--within my nine-chambered heart, infusing purple blood with a venom stronger than the bile of a Falaxian trans-beetle! He who offends me thus is none other than your WILLIAM THOMAS RIKER, desecrater of all that is grand in my galaxies!

Here is a severely abridged list of reasons why I so loathe your William Thomas Riker:
  1. His beard
  2. His smug smile
  3. His too-tight uniform
  4. That devilish glint of boyish charm in his eyes
  5. His trombone
  6. His possession of the love of Councilor Deanna Troi
Thus far, I have not personally encountered your William Thomas Riker--nay, I have only learned of his deeds via your crude "television" signals, which sing his praises to the cosmos! But it is only a matter of time until I meet this William Thomas Riker in the flesh. It is only a matter of time.

I will destroy him.

1 comment:

jonathanhaidle said...

I have to agree that the trombone part is tremendously hokey. But do you, O' Grand Emperor, play any musical instruments from Earth (or otherwise?). Due to your apparently large nasal cavity and smaller nostrils, I bet you would play a mean slobberphonic...... (a hybrid of the Earthling french quite popular on Perhapsolus III - a horn that requires one to insert it's tubing into your nose and generating pitch differences with subtle manipulation of your mucous fluid to generate the vibrations).